What to Expect: When You Have Difficulty Connecting With Your Foster Child

Feb 20

Not all foster parent/child relationships have an instant connection. Children learn by experience and when a child has experienced trauma, neglect or abuse in their biological home, this can affect their ability to make trusting connections with adult caregivers in their lives. They may be slow to open up, show vulnerability or share their interests. As the foster parent, it’s up to you to reinforce that you are a safe, loving, and stable caregiver in their life and get them on the road to recovery.

To move past what could be a rocky start at forming a connection with your foster child, we compiled our best practices for creating a safe environment for your child to connect.

Establish a routine for connection

The first step in creating an approachable and welcoming environment that supports trust is having a routine for connecting with your child. This could be as simple as taking a walk after dinner each night with just your child to give them the opportunity to get to know you without a formal setting where they may feel forced to converse. This could also look like a special weekly date for ice cream or to a park, something outside of regular counseling appointments, or court appointments where they feel on display or put on the spot, this will allow them the opportunity to focus on the event and the experience rather than the conversation. Having a set, reliable routine for listening to your child lets them know that they can count on those moments alone to connect and develop trust. This gives you the opportunity to share your hobbies, interests and stories with your child that may make them more comfortable with you and see you as a consistent, stable adult.

Give them their own space and representation in the home

In order for your child to feel safe, stable and welcome they need a safe space to call their own within their new home. If they will be sharing a room with another child or children in the home, ensure they have their own space within the shared bedroom that represents them. Many foster children can have a sense of feeling temporary, especially if they have been placed within the foster care system multiple times. This feeling of instability leads to anxiety, depression and could result in adverse affects like substance abuse and homelessness as adults. Studies show that compared to the 18% of children who have not been in foster care, a staggering 80% of foster children suffer from some form of mental health disorder like anxiety or depression.

The role of a foster family is to counteract that trauma and show that they are wanted, loved and have a family they can rely on while the biological family develops the skills necessary to care for the child once again or the child is adopted. By giving your child space and representation in the home, you are reassuring them that they are wanted. When applicable, hanging photos of their biological family, pets and having familiar objects can help their transition into your home. If the child is school age, hang achievements on the fridge or hang art they’ve created front and center.

Introduce new hobbies

Show a genuine interest in their hobbies and make time to explore new ones together. If there are other kids in the household, take turns doing a new activity together where they get to explore each other’s interests. Read together, go to a zoo or museum or check out a new sport. The child may not have had a stable home environment previously that supported exploring what interests them, so they could be very anxious about opening up, or they experienced inconsistency with sticking to hobby like music lessons or sports, furthering the issues of feeling temporary.

The importance of playtime with your foster child

Play has been proven as an essential part of childhood development. Play allows kids to, well, be kids. Kids learn through play, they learn essential life skills like communication, conflict resolution and troubleshooting. For many children who’ve grown up in an abusive or neglectful household, they’ve been forced to grow up too fast, to have to focus on their own survival rather than having their basic necessities met. By engaging in reciprocal play, you’re teaching them that they can be kids and engage in play, explore their imagination and be creative. Children relate to other children through play and strengthen their bodies through play.

Limit screentime and get outside

Whether you are outdoorsy or not, getting outside and away from distractions like tv and computers has health benefits for everyone. Aside from the obvious benefits exercise has on overall mental and physical wellbeing, being outdoors is proven to lower cortisol levels, the hormone responsible for the body’s fight or flight response. Normal amounts of cortisol are essential for survival but higher than necessary levels affect main body functions; suppressing metabolism, the brain’s ability to focus and causing sleep and mood disruptions. Sustained exposure to high levels of stressful situations can cause high levels of cortisol in children who may lack the skills to self-soothe. Getting outdoors is an excellent way to help children focus and practice being in the present moment. Explore the plants and animals around you and talk about what you see. The natural vitamin D from the sun has tremendous benefits for the immune system, calcium absorbtion and can even help with depression.

Outdoor activities don’t have to be strenuous exercise, a simple walk around the neighborhood or at a park can have the same benefits.

Celebrate them

Show that you are proud of their accomplishments and invested in their success. Praise good behavior and celebrate the milestones they make with their communication and social skills progress too!

Gaining trust and forming a connection with your foster child can take time, but they need most to know that they have a safe place where they can eventually form an attachment to a caregiver. Be patient with the process and lean on your foster care resources for support during difficult times.