Constant Change: How to Help Your Family Adjust to Change and Uncertainty
At Better Living Foster Care and Family Services, we work with Nebraska families to develop the skills they need to stay strong together and break the cycles that require intervention.
Families experience constant change every day. Change isn’t inherently bad, but for children who’ve been in flux, the lack of stability and routine can lead to unhealthy levels of stress and anxiety. Childhood is also full of positive change; learning about the world you live in every day, experiencing new, big feelings, and learning how to deal with those feelings.
You can’t change the fact that things change, but you can help give your family the skills to cope with and navigate constant change. For many foster families, constant change and uncertainty is the norm. So, how do you, as a foster parent, give your family the tools to adjust when it feels like life is so unpredictable?
Create routines
For a child in crisis, who feels like their world is uncertain, anxiety plays a major role in their day-to-day life. The effects of prolonged stress and anxiety in children are proven to cause lifelong struggles with emotional regulation, depression, and trouble with sleep and concentration, leading to various issues that affect academic performance and future outcomes.
Children entering foster care or who have been in foster care before are more likely to have experienced loss or hardship along the way; children of abusive households, those who have experienced neglect, abandonment, and unsafe conditions or are otherwise in crisis. Children who have experienced duress are unsure who they can trust because that person may not be around very long; either the child is reunited with their family or has moved in and out of foster care in their lifetime. For these children, having a predictable and set routine can help mitigate stress and anxiety and anchor them in comfort and predictability.
How to establish a routine for your family
Routines help children feel cared for and secure in their environment. Here are some tips on how to start some basic, healthy routines as a family.
Start with the basics: A morning routine.
Eliminate the morning hustle and bustle by waking up simultaneously each day. (hint: this will also help with a smoother bedtime routine)
Make breakfast non-negotiable. There is nothing worse than leaving the house hungry. Breakfast is the cornerstone of a good day.
Start adding shared household chores in the morning before everyone leaves for their day; filling the dishwasher, walking the dog, etc. are all great, small household tasks that teach ownership and responsibility.
Evening routine: Keep it simple.
Every family dynamic is different; households, where there is one parent, two parents, working parents, or a stay-at-home parent, will all look a little different but that doesn’t mean that coming together at the end of the day is any more or less important as part of a healthy nurturing routine.
Gather to recap the day. This doesn’t need to be formal in any way but just re-grouping and re-calling the day together as a standard part of the evening routine can bring wholeness and love to the relationship; simply showing that you care and are interested.
Routine is an important part of equipping your family with ways to navigate change. Next, we will talk about how to deal directly with changes your family may experience and how to talk them through it.
Discussing change with your foster family
Talking about the upcoming changes can help prepare your family ahead of time and normalize the idea of change in the household. Age-appropriate information you can share about the situation can make it less scary and give the family time to adjust and prepare.
Give advance warning about major changes, if you can.
Frequently, foster parents have children of their own in the home who aren’t immune to the stress and anxiety brought on by sudden changes to the family. Is a child leaving foster care with your family earlier than expected? Perhaps an emergency with the biological family has occurred and the child will need extra support while in your care.
Preparing your family for forthcoming changes will allow time for them to process and ask questions.
We don’t always have advanced knowledge of events that may affect our family. Knowing what information to share and when can help with sudden news.
Discuss why and when it’s happening.
Being age-appropriate and sensitive to the specifics involved is crucial when discussing sudden and frequent changes with the family.
Keeping open dialogue can help children adjust and feel like they’re involved in the change and not just affected by it.
Listen to their concerns and answer questions.
Listening allows you to understand what your child may be going through as it relates to the changes in the family. They may not be able to articulate their feelings but listening to them allows space for them to ask questions and feel safe.
Talk about their feelings but be patient. It can take time for them to process and talk openly.
Acknowledge and validate their feelings about the changes.
Take a moment to practice mindfulness together.
An excellent way for coping with uncertainty is to practice being present in the moment.
The practice of mindfulness or mindfulness meditation is proven to help reduce the immediate symptoms of stress and help develop coping skills for better resilience to stress.
Mindfulness is proven to help with concentration.
Mindfulness practice doesn’t need to be in the lotus pose on a meditation mat. Mindfulness can be found in everyday moments; going for a walk and observing the feel of the wind, the sound of the outdoors. Acknowledging thoughts that may float in but letting them go just as quickly - staying present in the moment.
Use the 4-7-8 technique. One of the easiest ways to ground yourself in the present moment is to focus on your breath. Counting an in-breath for 4 seconds, and holding it for 7, then releasing for 8 can help form the habit when someone is new to mindfulness techniques.
Teach this technique as a way to regulate when there is a rise in stress as a tool your child can use in the future.
Continue to have fun.
Change is inevitable, especially for foster families and children. You have to find joy in the moments between and create and foster love in those moments together.
Make a routine out of having fun together. Family game night, bowling, or cooking together are all activities that can be part of a weekly or monthly routine that prioritizes time together and brings in the principles of mindfulness that are so important to stress management.
You may not be able to predict or change the events that affect your family but focusing on what you can control and how your family adapts to those changes can be as simple as creating an environment that cultivates routine and moments of joy.
Better Living Foster Care and Family Services have been serving families in Nebraska since 2006, helping equip them with the tools they need to be whole and complete. Contact us if you are a family in need or are considering becoming a foster parent.
